diamond_gem06

Got back frm the ball had a fab time, Iam said I looked lovely, I spoke to him a bit. It was hard seeing him because it all came flooding back. I still want him and I can't deny that. I so wanted him by my side, and I'd gone to so much effort tonight. I thought to myself if this isn't good enough for him, what will be? After all it's his loss at the end of the day, as soon as I get some photos I can download them onto here. But what will be good enough for him, or any man in fact?

Current Location: Brum
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Anastascia - One day in your life, very apt!

Graduation ball later, I am very nervous, I have starved myself for two weeks in a last ditch attempt to get into my dress, and I can get into it just! I want to look perfect, I'm paying an obscene amount of money to have my hair pinned up and set, got the shoes and the bag and jewellry, it's all set. The reason why I'm making so much efort is Ian. People think after my RAF man I'm over him, so I should be, but I'm not. I still think of him and I want to show him exactly what he's missing out on, it's his loss. I just can't understand what's so wrong with me that nothing ever goes beyond one night. My friends say that I should get to know them first maybe I should but I am too trusting and I just want someone so bad, Jonnie gave Barry a ring today to mark his Graduation, and although I love them so much I felt sick with envy, I would love to have someone special with me there, I'm just taking one of Barry's guests because you could only buy one additional ticket, good old Gemma to the rescue. That's all I am a safety net; no wonder some people take me for granted and I am so sick of it, half the time I want to tell the whole world to *fuck off*. I wish I could. Also I'll probably be left out quite a lot because everyone I know is taking someone and I don't feel as though I'm close to anyone there anymore, sometimes not even Barry. It's gonna be sad aswell because I will never see some of those people again or for a very long time, going back to uni on my own next term will be really hard for me although I know it's probably a good thing in a way as I need to get out on my own more. I just remember in 6th Form when my Sociology group used to leave me out all the time my teacher promised me it wouln't be that way at university, then I could convince myself that it wasn't about me that there wasn't anything wrong me it was them, now I think I was wrong, there must be something wrong with me if I'm having this problem here aswell. Perhaps partly that I am paranoid about it but I'm very good at reading people so I'm sure I'm right.

My fit boss who is such a lovely guy apart from being very fit may be leaving, I heard today it's top secret and to say I'm gutted is an understatement. I know that he's taken but he's just a nice person, and why do nice people leave me? I won't see Louise half ad much either, I don't see Liz very often, though I understand why she had to move and I totally support her, it's not a dig or to make anyone feel guilty. And to top it all off he's a brilliant boss, the best I've had by far, so apart from the fact that I fancy him like rotten, I'm sad to lose such a good boss. Everytime it feels like something's going right in my life, something else is thrown at me and I hate it, I'm not expecting life to be easy but I would just like something nice to happen to me for once. I hate feeling jealous of my friends but it's hard not to when they have something you so so badly want.

Current Location: Brum
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: Toni Braxton - You're makin me high

I'm sorry but I have to add that I found out yesterday that my fave Disney film of all time 'The Little Mermaid' is being released on DVD in Autumn and I am **so** excited, I wore my tape out because I watched it so much when I was little!

Current Mood: jubilant

sometimes i really feel like i'm losing my grip, sometimes i feel so overwhelmed by emotions that are too numerous to describe, and I feel stupid, that I shouldn't be feeling this way because nobody notices it in me unless I tell them. I spoke to Lou about how left out I felt on Monday and bless her she was lovely about it I think she felt guilty and thats not what I wanted her to feel, I just wish people knew how much I hate being left out. It;s like tonight I have been to a bbq and hd a lovely time and Barry ca,e along later and left with Jonnie because Jonnie wanted to go to the pub, I think it's someones leaving do and I felt tearful watching them go beause I wanted to go to but I wasnt going to invite myself, I don't want to be the hanger on with them, Barry actually told me that that's why one of his previous boyfriends broke up with him because I was always there and I don't want to be the cause of another breakup, my self esteem is low at the moment that I don't actually think I could take it. But words cannot describe how much I wanted to go but I will never invite myself anywhere, I just hate the thought of being somewhere where I'm really not wanted but people just don't say no cause they don't want to hurt my feelings, I guess in a way it's cutting my nose off to spite my face. I have never felt like I fitted in anywhere and feel like I am constantly having to make an impression. But the thing is I miss Barry when he's not round, I need to fill that void but I miss my friend, who he was before the cruel bastard. He seems to be a lot more flippant and sarcatic and you know what would make it all better is a 'thank you', because I've done a hell of a lot for him over the past few years and sometimes it feels like he takes me for granted. I know he's gonna spend more time with Jonnie than with me and I'm OKish about that it's just that he's always blowing me off, like it feels like I'm the last resort unless something better comes along.

Current Location: Brum
Current Mood: rejected
Current Music: Westlife - Why do I love you? and 2pac Ghetto Gospe;

If you know me well you know that I hate being left out, I hate being on my own and I hate being lonely. Today I'm feeling all of those things. All I want is to be happy, lately I've felt increasingly left out of whatever my friends are doing, I don't know what's happening til it's happened if that makes ne sense? They've all gone out without me, Lou, her boyfriend and harriet her housemate were going out for a meal and barry asked if hee could go and then he said Kim could go and so there was no room in the car for me but I was in the fucking room when this was going on, so they've left me out deliberately and I am so fucking angry and upset. I feel like shit, I''m not worth anything, Barry's having a problem and I didn't even hear about it til he's told Lou and Kim, how do you think that makes me feel? There was a time whe he used to tell mke everything, not now, I am always last to know and I hate it, I hate my life at the moment, I don't want to be here in Brum, I'm so homesick but I don't think I want to be in Kiddy either, I want to be loved and cared for, I want to feel that I'm worth something but it really doesn't feel like that at all. I feel worthless, I feel unloved. My friends it feels don't give a shit about me. I need someone and they've all fucked off out without me.

Shooting Star by Boyzone

No one seems to think too much of me here
And they're glad to tell it to my face
And they're right I'm not supposed to be here
I'm complitely out of place
Somehow there has got to be a reason
Evening as I try to think it through
There's a bolt from the blue...

And I see a shooting star
Set apart from all the rest
While the other stars are standing still
He's on a quest...
Every night this shooting star
Darts across the twilight sky
Cause he knows he doesn't quite fit in
And he's longing to know why.

I feel so much better when it's night time
That's when I can sort of disappear
When the sun has set and it's the right time
For pretending I'm not here
Sometimes I just stare up to the heavens
Wondering if the answer is inside
That's when I see the light...

Of myself that shooting star
On his way to who knows where
He's the one like all the stars
He outshines up there...
And that solitary star
Is an awful lot like me
On an endless search through time and space
For a place that won't seem wrong.

If we both hang on for long enough
If we both somehow are strong enough
We'll found out where we belong...

Every night this shooting star
Darts across the twilight sky
Cause he knows he doesn't quite fit in
And he's longing to know why

Current Location: Brum
Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: Shooting Star - Boyzone

Hello everyone how are u? I am okish. Feeling very homesick and just been reading my friends diary and feeling bad for not getting in touch, I am trying it's just so much is going on at the moment. I work three full days a week which I know doesn't sound like much but it just seems to take up so much time. I've just arrived back from my Dads, I don't stop there very often but because me and my stepmom and stepsisters all took part in race for life today I had to stop overnight. I don't like being there for a start not that I don't get on with my stepfamily but I just don't feel comfortable there, also I saw Popper my dog who used to live with me my mom dad and sister, but you know he doesn't come when I call him anymore and my youngest stepsister has got loads of pics of him on her computer and she's really close to him, he sleeps in her room etc. and I just realised that he's not my dog anymore and it upsets me more than you know, it feels like I have nothing left from the past now I hardly have have any photographs and the memories continue to fade

I decided to do race for life last year cause my stepmoms best friend passed away with cancer and I wanted to support her but my ankle wasnt well enough in time, then this year my friend at unis mom passed away, and although I didn't know her as well I went to the funeral and it was seeing my friend and her children and sister and her children that made me want to do it this year. And it was such a big deal for me, and my friends were all going to come and watch granted this was in worcester and we're in Birmingham but they decided they couldn't afford it and stayed in and got drunk instead last night and didnt get up til God knows when and they said they couldn't afford it and it was too far away it was only in Worcester for Christs sake, why doesn't anyone give me their support when I ask for it? I just wanted some one to cheer me on it would have meant so much to me, my dad didn't even come he went fishing but he's a man so I can understand.

To top it all off I come back into my room to find dirty washing up on my bed which was mine but why on my bed? and my bloody cds all over my desk

At the moment I just live for those rare times when I feel happy and at ease in my surroundings as I don't seem to very often. I had a one night stand the other week which I feel so stupid for as I said I wouldn't do it again but hey ho what do you know? I know I end up getting hurt but he was so gorgeous and I couldn't believe that he was interested, he's my gbfs bfs houemates friend, confusing I know, but we were in the pub watching the eurovision and I was introduced and my first thought was he's so cute! And then I found out he was in the RAF, and I was talking to him all night, asking him questions about his work (u think I understood the answers tho? lol!) and to cut a long story short he ended up coming back to mine. It culminated in me having to take the morning after pill, because we used protection but it came off, I was so annoyed coz it cost me £25, why do the men always get away with it? And he said he'd visit me but he hasn't. No reply frm texts, not picking up the phone, bloody hell I gave him 4 orgasms, don't you think he should return the favour?! lol. What more can a guy ask for? It's a shame I mean I know he was only 18 and the sex wasn't anything exceptional but I thought we got on really well and it would have been interesting to see where it could have lead. The good thing is it isn't getting me as much as the Ian thing did and to be honest still is occasionally but not as badly as before.

Current Location: Brum
Current Mood: just would like a chance
Current Music: Basement Jaxx - Good Luck - what a toon!

Went for a job interview as a teaching assistant the other day had to hike all the way over to the other side of Birmingham for it and I didnt get the job, I feel so dispirited and dejected, why won't somebody give me a break? I am never going to get anywhere in this world if people wont give me a chance. Whats the point in even trying? If all I get is knock back after knock back professionally and personally? I am so sick and tired of it.

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: Britney and Madonna - Me against the Music

I feel so crap all the time. I hve a lot of things I havent faced up to in the past few years because I had more important things; now I guess they're all catching up with me. My parents split up 6 years ago and I guess that I've never really come to terms with it in a way. Because I miss bing part of a fmily and I miss having a 'home' to go to, I've moved 4 times in the past 4 years, just cause you live in a place doesnt mean its your home. Home is about somewhere you feel safe and loved. And to me that still means with my mom and dad together. What made it doubly hard for me was my mom was seeing someone behind my dads back, who she's still with today. But the bloke she was seeing told me, tho I already had an inkling and I confronted her about it several times and she flat denied it, swore on mine and my sisters lives. That was very hard for me to come to terms with, I'm not sexist but societymakes us think that mothers arent supposed to do that. Although she wanted us to go with her, I did at first then moved in with my nan it felt like she'd abandonded me (I was 16 at the time) because I only got to see her for a few hours on a Saturday, she wouldnt come up and se me because I only lived a few doors down frm my dad, why wouldnt she come and seeme, it felt like I want important enough.

One of my best mates is gay(gay best friend gbf) and I lived with him for two years before this september, we were exceptionally close, I like being close to people, and I used to so enjoy feeling close to him, we used to stay in and get pissed ever week, I used to do stuff for him and I felt valued, I dont fancy him, everyone thinks I do, and trust me I've had to soul search myself to find the true answer but I know deep in my heart I love him as a friend. I have such low self esteem it's one of the only ways I feel good about myself by looking after other people. He had a boyfriend who pretty much moved in withus. It started when he broke his ankle and I was working 30+ hours a week to pay his rent, and him and his fella and his friend who he'd known for years moved dwn to birmingham to help out aswell and I just felt so excluded frm everything, regularly I would finish work at 9pm and come home to an empty house , they'd all gone out without me, then I'd have to listen to what a good tme they'd had out, and it felt so unfair as I was slogging my guts out to earn enough to pay mine and his rent and to get us by and they'd all be going out having a good time without me. Anyways his fella started being cruel to him in small wayst i.e. taking his phone away when hey'd had a drink etc. and it got the point where we couldnt have a drink in the house without them having a row and my friends fella started getting physically violent, he used to shove him around and all sorts. Then his fella used to try and have him arrested by the coppers, he even got him took to court at one point, he cheated on him and all sorts and I would have to watch my friend beside himself then his bf worming his way bk in which would culminate in him taking him bk. It was madness. It really hurt me when one night they had a blazing row and I stepped in to proect my friend and his bf turned on me, I was threatened and hit, pinned up against the fridge and screamed at. And he took him back after what he's done to me, he's said that he would have chosen him over me, and after everything I've done for him. His boyfriend (aka the bastard) was also cruel to me, playing 'jokes' on me and it hurt so much when my friend was laughing at me too, it hurts me to think about it now.

It's also the whole 'Ian thing' that gets me down. He's a bloke on my course at uni who I always got on well with, we'd been out drinking afew times together in groups and last year his and my gbf's lecture had been cancelled and they were drinking in the beer garden with the bastard and I joined them after my lecture. Ian suggested we go out but we were all skint and he offered to pay for us. So off we went into to town. To cut a long story short we got lathered and he kissed me. Three weeks later I broke my ankle, we had a bbq and the bastard invited him round, I overheard him telling my gbf and the bastard that hehad a girlfriend but he didnt tell me later til we were in bed together. He said to me 'let's go upstairs and talk' stupid me I fell for it, although we didnt have full sex becuase it hurt me, I am still haunted by what he said to me 'that I was gorgeous' etc. and the way he touched me, it just set me on fire and now over a year on I still cant get him out of my head. Just after christmas I heard that he'd bumped into a person I know in a gay club and confessed he was gay, next I was told by a girl who's in his group that they are seeing each other. We all went out the other week and Ian and my gbf went on to a gay bar and my m8 sed he saw him get off with a bloke so god knows whats going on, but he practically ignored me that night. And he promised that he wouldnt ignore me and a couple of months ago I sed I needed to talk to him to get everything straight in my head; at first he was all for it but now he's ignoring my texts and I'm sure he blanked me wen we went out, god knows whats going on.

I'm so confused, can neone help?

x

Current Location: Birmingham
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: Avril Lavigne; Sk8r Boi